It’s just a few more months now until we add a new member to our family. In our preschool baby class, we journal to our new babies. And I have journals for each of the older boys that I have kept since before they were born, though I don’t write in them as often as I would like to.
My oldest is ten. He’s a ten year old boy that takes after his father… a more serious, almost melancholy personality. He’s the type that many get along with because he’s a pretty easy-going sort of kid, but few get to really know deeply and to understand. We have our ups and downs a lot lately. There are days when I feel like for every positive interaction, we have two negative ones about responsibility, homework, forgetfulness, moodiness. And especially with the new baby coming, I wonder if he realizes that even in those nagging moments, I do what I do with him and for him because I love him so. So this is for him.
Dear Eins,
If I know you as well as I think I do, I bet you are getting a bit nervous as it gets closer to baby’s arrival date. You are so full of love, and such a caring young man, that I am sure you will welcome your new baby brother and be a terrific older brother, just as you are to Zwei. But, I know that changes and uncertainty aren’t your favorite thing. I understand that this year has already been full of changes: a new classroom, new homework load, less time to just relax. That’s affecting our relationship a bit because Mommy (now Mom to you) has taken on the role of taskmaster. And I bet that a part of your mind is wondering how Mom and Vati’s love for you is affected by all of this: new responsibilities, new relationships, and new siblings.
I hope that the little things we do help to convey the message: Mom and Vati love you and are so proud of you for the young man that you are. We tell you this with little extra outings, by trusting you to stay home alone for bits of time, and oddly enough, by the little chores and responsibilities that we expect you to handle on your own. We ask you to do them because we know you are capable, and we trust the quality of your work.
But I know that little things aren’t always enough. I know that it can be hard, especially because your brother is the type that seems to attract attention like pollen attracts bees. You hear him getting praised for his effort on things like his writing, and you may wonder why he gets praised for effort so much even when the product doesn’t look as polished as yours would. I think you have been fortunate in some ways that things tend to come easy for you… school, orchestra, etc. But at the same time, I think it makes it challenging. You can put in less effort and get good quality… and I think then Mom and Vati comment positively on the quality and encourage more effort. This can leave you thinking that we aren’t happy with the work you do. But we are proud of all that you accomplish. And more importantly, we are proud of you not because of what you ACCOMPLISH, but because of WHO YOU ARE.
We are proud of you because you are a thoughtful young man. You are curious. You think things through. You are respectful of others. You are helpful and kind. And you are our son. You are growing and learning, and even when you make mistakes, have bad moods or bad days, or make bad choices, guess what? We still love you and are proud of you. Because we know that you are growing and learning. We all make mistakes and have bad days as we grow, but we continue to work and learn from them.
I will admit, especially as you approach the teenage years, there are times when your moods can be difficult to be around. (Although I’m sure I have moods that are difficult to be around, too.) But you know what, these are exactly the moments when Mommy is loving you a bit more. Because those are the times when you need it more. You are such a thoughtful kid that I am sure you recognize when you are having a bad day or are in a foul mood. And I know that you are hard on yourself about the mistakes you make (often more hard on yourself than you need to be). And that’s when Mommy reaches a little deeper into my heart to find some extra love to share. The years you face ahead… teenage years… can be tough ones. You take on more responsibilities. You try to figure out friendship and later romance. You try new things. You try to be more independent. You are taking more risks and facing new challenges. And oftentimes, the results aren’t always what you expect and hope for. But that’s part of the ups and downs of life, the bumps that help us learn. I want you to know that those are the times when Mom and Vati are loving you a little more and here to support you. It’s not just to celebrate your successes and victories (though we are gladly there for those, too), but we are here for those rough moments.
When you might feel like loving yourself a little less because you feel disappointed or frustrated, that is when Mom and Vati are there to fill you up again with the love from our hearts.
I hope that reading these words helps, and most importantly, I hope that you can always feel this love and pride that we hold for you.
Love,
Mommy (aka “Mom”)
How special. Thank you for sharing this personal glimpse into your relationship. G is such an aweseome young and you have so much to be proud of in him.